It's become easier than ever these days to get bogged down with distractions. We live in the age of cell phones that do anything a laptop can do, and jobs where it's increasingly difficult not to take your work home. These factors make it easier to get sucked into a routine or build walls between you and your spouse. For this reason, I suggest a tactic I call The Blackout.
This is a simple move that works like a charm and you can custom fit to apply to your own relationship. The purpose is to bring the two of you closer together. Depending on the current mood of your relationship, this could work to help you "rediscover" each other and break down barriers, or it could be a nice little time out that allows you to both reconnect. I think of it in terms of wading through the distraction of the other responsibilities you have to focus on so you can get back to the most important hat you wear--the husband/wife hat. It's important to be an employee, a brother/sister, son/daughter, parent, coach, deacon, volunteer, etc. But if you're not satisfying your responsibility to each other, each and every one of these other categories will suffer to some extent.
The basic premise of the Blackout tactic is to shut out or turn down the volume on the outside world, while enhancing and turning up the volume on your personal, private, relationship. You should feel safe to do this since you're both bunkered down in your war room (house or apartment), where nothing on the outside matters anymore. Once you put those rings on, it really is you and hubby/wife against the world, so you should think of it like that. Everything in your world begins and ends with each other, so the bond you share should be at it's very best.
It's MY personal opinion that the man should initiate this move more often than not, because taking control of a situation is definitely +PQ (See: PQ: What it is and Why You Need it in Marriage). A married man thrives on PQ, so don't pass up an opportunity to elevate it. Different strokes for different folks though, as relationships are far from one size fits all.
First, you want to make sure all of your commitments are taken care of. Make sure neither of you have anywhere to go or anything to do. A move like this is ideal toward the end of the work week, because you can truly relax.
Turn off your cell phones. This in itself is a liberating feeling these days. I use my cell phone a lot both for work and personal use, so fading it to black is HUGE in terms of being off the grid. You'll also want to kill the TV and computer use. The purpose of the Blackout is to focus on each other, so you shouldn't be communicating with anyone or anything else.
Set the mood. You know what she likes. Do whatever relaxes her. For the purpose of this, the darker the room the better. I like to go with lit candles, a cozy couch and Pandora playing in the background. Pandora is a lifesaver in these situations, because it's a nonstop stream of music that can set any kind of mood you want.
I haven't tried this yet, but I recently stumbled upon a couple of links that when used in combination will blow your mind. This might even be better than Pandora:
Enhance, enhance enhance. This is the part about turning the volume up. You've shut out the outside world, now gain some traction by elevating the atmosphere you've created. This can be done a variety of ways. For us, having a fresh, cold bottle of wine open and some special occasion wine glasses set out is just what the doctor ordered. We're not huge drinkers, but I think in this instance alcohol can create a vibe that opens the two of you up to sharing, which is really what this is all about. Whatever you guys like to do, do it. Stimulate your mind. Some other examples are games. These games could be anything from 21 questions to games specifically for couples that can be purchased at love shops. Anything that diminishes hangups and enhances your bond or thought process is good.
Let if flow. One of my pieces of advice in regard to many aspects of relationships is this; Don't chase the feeling. Let things come to you. That doesn't mean you can't have a few conversation pieces in your back pocket that you want to throw out, but don't force it. Forcing things is a good way to kill a mood. Doing this exercise may very well lead to some conversations you didn't know how to bring up, or could end in some hot sex, but don't let the hopes of those things happening make or break your outcome. The purpose is to bond, above all, so don't put too much emphasis on any kind of agenda.
I don't use the Blackout technique as much as I'd like, but it always has a positive effect on us whenever we do. Forming and strengthening this one-on-one connection is so important it's not even funny. Some of our most memorable moments have come from these types of nights, or long car rides where the radio is off, or some nice smooth music is on, and we have nothing to do but connect and enjoy the open road. It amazes me how no matter how well I think I know my wife, these atmospheres create great learning experiences about each other, as you find out things about each other you might not just share in passing. Learning new things about each other is very sexy and keeps the adventure in your relationship.
Do yourself a favor and create moments like this fairly often. Your relationship will be better for it.
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